Witty and funny quotes about children and relationships

by Jakub Marian

Tip: See my list of the Most Common Mistakes in English. It will teach you how to avoid mis­takes with com­mas, pre­pos­i­tions, ir­reg­u­lar verbs, and much more.

“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”
Franklin P. Adams
“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.”
Michael Levine
“You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are placed around your throat, she’s probably slightly upset…”
“Quite often we change jobs, friends and spouses instead of ourselves.”
Akbarali H. Jetha
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey (in Bruce Almighty)
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
Lana Turner
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
Bob Monkhouse
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
Agatha Christie
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”
Groucho Marx
Read more:
in my ebook
333 wittiest quotable quotes »