Witty and funny quotes by Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

I can’t listen to too much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.

I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.

I think people should mate for life. Like pigeons, or Catholics.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘It’s benign’.

Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.