Witty and funny quotes by Woody Allen

by Jakub Marian

Tip: See my list of the Most Common Mistakes in English. It will teach you how to avoid mis­takes with com­mas, pre­pos­i­tions, ir­reg­u­lar verbs, and much more (PDF Version).

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
Woody Allen
allen
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
I can’t listen to too much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
I ran into Isosceles. He has a great idea for a new triangle.
Woody Allen
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
I think people should mate for life. Like pigeons, or Catholics.
Woody Allen
The most beautiful words in the English language are not ‘I love you’ but ‘It’s benign’.
Woody Allen
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
Read more:
in my ebook
333 wittiest quotable quotes »
Enter the discussion 0

Where to go next? Check out the language-learning system LingQ. It is, hands down, the best currently available tool if you want to expand your vocabulary in a foreign language. I have personally learned over 70,000 words in more than a dozen languages with LingQ, and I have to say it’s the single most useful language-learning tool I have ever tried.